Tossed in Your Tide
by terynjrobinson
Summary: SPOILERS for 2nd half of Season 5! Following the last big group moment near the end of of 5x14 comes this missing scene between Bo and Lauren. It's for the Doccubus fans.
1. Chapter 1

SPOILERS: The second half of Season 5!

This follows the reading of the will in 5x14, and we're just going to pretend that the conversation, etc., between Jack and Vex hasn't happened yet/doesn't happen because this is all about the Doccubus. No other interruptions. This is my idea of what happened between Bo and Lauren after everyone left Bo's room. Consider this one of those missing scene fics.

The song playing during the reading of the will was "There's a Ghost" by Fleurie. Listening to that song got me into the album it's on, and the last song, "Hymn," is beautiful. The title and lyrics below are from that song.

I own nothing. I just weave together words.

#####

 **Tossed in Your Tide**

 _Somewhere high up in the air there_

 _I had long forgotten I belong to you_

 _[…]_

 _I was listless, how could I have missed this?_

 _If you are the groundswell, I'm tossed in your tide_

 _[…]_

 _Now there's a sinking feeling in my chest_

 _You're gonna love me less when I return to you_

 _But you were never one to keep a record_

 _One to hold against me all I failed to prove_

— _Fleurie, "Hymn"_

"Lauren?"

"Yeah, Bo?"

"Will you," she paused, "will you stay? A little while, I mean?"

"Yeah, of course." Like the others, Lauren had started to wander out of Bo's room after the reading of Trick's will. They'd all chatted for awhile, and they moved away from that setting awkwardly. Everyone was hurting, and some of them were better than others at how they coped. Dyson and Mark left chatting about the Dal, Tamsin and Kenzi about the baby, at least what little Tamsin was ready to discuss. Vex wandered to the kitchen for more takeout. Lauren wasn't sure where she would go or what she would do after leaving Bo's room, other than packing up a few stray pieces of medical equipment. Staying, though. Staying was an awkward situation all on its own. In days past, Kenzi would have been the one to stay with Bo, to snuggle up the way only sisters can, but death and despair and distance had grown a space between the two women. Kenzi was still finding her way back into their world. Lauren's place in it was awkward for other reasons - the genius human doctor, capable of greatness in science, in medicine, in love, but for all she had and would accomplish, Lauren was scared. She wasn't confident, not in knowing she was enough for Bo, and she didn't know how to just _be_ with Bo when their relationship was in the complicated place it was in right now.

But, Lauren loved Bo, and Bo had asked Lauren to stay in such a disarming way. Bo was hurting, and the immediacy of that pain wasn't Lauren. It wasn't the break up. It was Trick, and Bo needed Lauren.

And, truth be told, Lauren needed Bo.

Lauren sat back down on the edge of the bed, one leg up, the other hanging from the bed, her foot on the floor. Instinctively, Lauren moved her hand to Bo's, lacing their fingers together, turning over their hands to look at the way they fit together. Ever inquisitive, she smiled at the information before her, an undeniable fit between their two hands, the easy way they could touch in such a simple way. Lauren pulled Bo's hand to rest in hers on her thigh.

"I'm so sorry about Trick, Bo," Lauren told her, looking up from their hands and into Bo's eyes.

"I know."

"And your mom. God, Bo. I'm so sorry about Aife, all the time you didn't get to spend getting to know her."

With the hand not holding Lauren's, Bo wiped at a few tears that fell. "You know, when I was in that dream or whatever it was, I had to learn to let them go, not to stop feeling, but to stop thinking I couldn't fight without Trick. I didn't think I could fight Jack without Trick, and everyone-all of you who were there but not quite you-showed me. You all went along with me, stood by my side, and we were all stronger because we were together."

"We are all by your side Bo. You're not alone in this. You won't be alone."

Bo laughed slightly with disbelief. "Really, Lauren? Is that really true? Because that's not how it feels."

"Bo..."

"No, Lauren. Hear me out." Bo leaned forward taking the hand holding hers into both of her hands. "Lauren, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. It physically hurts in my chest. And, I know you love me, too. I know you love me with all that you are. And yet, here we are."

Lauren slipped her hand from between Bo's and ran her hands through her hair. "Bo, I want you to be able to move on. I want you to be able to find someone else, someone fae, who can be with you for a long time."

"Lauren," Bo looked into Lauren's eyes with a deep intensity, "there's never going to be someone else. There's never going to be anyone else. There's just you."

"You don't know that, Bo. You have hundreds-thousands, likely-of years ahead of you. There will be someone else, probably several someone elses. You'll have a life, a home, children..." Lauren's voice trailed off as she started to choke back tears. She stood up, her hands wiping the tears from her eyes. She turned her back to Bo as she started to pace. "I can't do this, Bo, not when we're all trapped in this house together. I can't talk about this and keep my shit together around everyone else and not have anywhere to go here, not have someplace where I can go in this house and cry alone so that I can pull myself back together and be what everyone needs me to be right now." Lauren was no longer wiping away stray tears; she was actively crying now. Without a second thought, Bo rose from the bed and went to her, pulling Lauren into her, wrapping her arms tightly around Lauren. Lauren's tears soaked through the fabric on Bo's shoulder as Lauren shook with sobs. Bo's own tears were silent but many, falling into Lauren's hair as Bo held her. They clung to one another for a long time before either moved. Bo moved her head to press a kiss into Lauren's hair. Lauren made a sound like a laugh, and she moved her face closer into Bo's neck, where Bo was certain she felt Lauren smile against her skin. The sound of Lauren's laugh and the feel of her smile against Bo's neck made Bo laugh, too. She kissed the top of Lauren's head again and pulled away from her, enough distance between them that she could look into Lauren's face. She placed both of her palms on Lauren's cheeks and wiped at Lauren's tears with her thumbs.

"I'm supposed to be here supporting you, not the other way around," Lauren said with a chuckle.

"You are. You always are. Everything you do, I always know you're supporting me." Bo's smile made Lauren smile.

"You should rest, Bo. You've been through a lot, and we all know it's going to get harder before it gets easier again." Lauren pushed a few strands of hair from Bo's face. Bo wanted to close her eyes and just feel the touch of Lauren's skin on her face, but she couldn't tear her eyes from Lauren's.

"Will you stay? I mean... I don't know what I mean." She chuckled again. Lauren did, too.

"How about if we just hold each other? No kissing, no sex-"

"-just holding each other. I would love that."

"Okay."

"Okay. We'll take tomorrow as it comes. Tonight, we'll just be."

Bo took her hands from Lauren's face and took one of Lauren's hands in hers, tugging her to the dresser, where she pulled out a tank top and a pair of shorts for Lauren. Lauren thanked her and turned away from Bo to change her clothes. Bo hung up her robe and removed her bra, already in a tank and shorts herself. Lauren folded her clothes and placed them neatly on Bo's dresser. Dressed in Bo's pajamas, Lauren turned shyly to look at Bo. Bo walked silently to the bed, pulling back the blankets for Lauren, and as Lauren climbed in, Bo walked around and climbed into bed on her own side. Their movements toward one another were tentative, but only briefly. Lying in bed together was something their bodies knew how to do, physical memories imprinted into their brains. After the initial moment of hesitation, they moved into one another into a comfortable joining of arms wrapped around one another. Without conscious thought, the familiar comfort of their bodies together drew contented sighs from both women, followed by their laughter.

Bo again kissed the top of Lauren's head. "I love you, Lauren," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Bo."

END


	2. In Medias Res

_I wrote this revision of "Tossed inYour Tide" for the Bella Books fanfiction-to-published-author contest, and since it wasn't chosen, I thought I might as well post it myself. It's literally a revision, not a next chapter._

 _Lost Girl belongs to the people who made it. I just assembled these words in honor of it._

"Lauren?"

"Hmmm?" she hummed, thumbing through an ancient tome, its pages aged to sepia tones, though its leather binding remained in excellent condition after several human lifetimes on Trick's shelves. The scents of clove and firewood wafted from the pages as Lauren carefully turned them.

"Lauren?" Bo called again.

This time, Lauren turned and lifted her gaze to Bo. After finding herself engrossed in the pages of the ancient text, Lauren had forgotten she'd actually been on her way to add the book to the stack on the secondhand chest on the opposite side of Bo's bedroom. Lauren was tidying up, unsure of what to do with herself once their friends had left Bo's room. They'd sat there together, all of them, listening to Bo's grandfather's--Trick's--last wishes, but his absence still wasn't entirely real to Lauren. So, Lauren did what she could in that moment—she stacked Trick's books to take back to… where, exactly? "I keep thinking that I need to gather these up to take back to Trick's, and then I remember that they're mine now, and now I'm not sure what to do with them," she confessed to Bo.

A weak smile crossed Bo's face at the mention of her grandfather's—now Lauren's— books. Lauren watched the smile fade as Bo steadied herself with several deep breaths. Bo had the weight of the world on her shoulders, in addition to the grief of losing her grandfather and mother. Her father took their lives, and he was after Bo, hoping to entice her to join him to rule in darkness. Everyone's survival was in Bo's hands, a burden under which anyone could be buried.

Rationally, Lauren know that she couldn't compare what she herself was feeling with what she reasoned Bo must be feeling; grief, love... no emotions can be measured against the same in another, as if there is one great universal scale. Lauren knew what Bo must be feeling was complex, drawn from the complicated relationships she had with both her grandfather and her mother, and Lauren knew that what she herself was feeling took all of that into consideration in the empathy and love she felt for Bo, a great interconnectedness of feelings relative to everyone involved.

Lauren set the book in her hands down on the closest surface and walked back toward where Bo sat on her four-poster bed. She slipped out of her shoes and crawled onto Bo's bed to sit opposite the succubus, tucking her legs beneath her. The soft sinking of Bo's mattress was familiar to Lauren, as she was sure the sinking of it under her added weight was familiar to Bo. Instinctively, Lauren rested her right hand on Bo's knee. "I'm sorry, Bo," Lauren told her former lover.

Lauren was sorry—sorry for indulging in her own loss in front of Bo when she knew that Bo was faring far worse than she was. Through her own actions, Lauren was estranged from her own family--a tale yet untold to Bo--but she still had many years of memories upon which she could draw, Christmases and birthdays and science fairs, the light in her parents' eyes as they watched on, proud of their budding scientist child who would become a medical doctor, a researcher, and after abandoning her family, a slave to the Fae. Lauren still mourned the loss of her family, yes, but she knew the time she'd had with them was a gift, one Bo was given far too late. Lauren had her entire childhood and her early adulthood with her family, while Bo had had only the past five years to get to know her grandfather—less time, even, with her mother, whose mental decline was its own particular tragedy for Bo. Lauren knew all of this, and she squeezed Bo's knee gently, as if the warmth of her palm could tell Bo just how sorry she was that Bo's time with her family had been cut short. For a race of people who lived thousands of years, five years for the Fae was like a second in a human lifetime. Bo blinked, and her family was gone, that chapter of her life had ended. "I'm sorry you didn't get more time with them," Lauren said softly.

Bo picked up the hand on her knee, taking it into her own. As always, her fingers were soft to Lauren's touch, and as Lauren's thumb traced gentle circles on the back of Bo's hand, Bo held on a little bit tighter. Bo was watching their hands when she finally spoke. "It's unfair. It's so unfair. It took me so long to find them, and my father just took them away from me. My family of origin—they're gone, Lauren."

"Our family is here, Bo. We're all here with you, all of our friends. Even Kenzi came home to be with you. All of the friends we love, they're all here, in your home. No one's leaving you. No one's leaving the clubhouse."

Bo's gaze met Lauren's, and Lauren could see the tears in the corners of Bo's eyes threatening to fall. "Then why do I feel so… alone?" Lauren could hear the sadness and sincerity in Bo's voice, and she knew that's exactly how it looked to Bo, like this was a battle she was in on her own, an epic where she, alone, was destined to fight the villain. Dyson had Mark, and Mark had Vex. Kenzi and Tamsin were reconnecting, and that left Bo and Lauren—Lauren, who had broken Bo's heart. The ache Lauren felt in her own chest tickled her own eyes with tears.

"I'm here, Bo," Lauren told her, now taking both of Bo's hands into her own, hoping the gesture could convey what she wasn't sure that she could or should say to the woman she still loved.

Bo pulled her hands back, running them through her coffee brown hair. "That's the thing, Lauren—you're not. I wanted you here with me, by my side. I wanted you, human you, imperfectly perfect, for as long as I could have you, and you said, 'No.'"

Lauren sighed in frustration. She and Bo were destined to be two characters in a story retold over and over, and she just needed Bo to let it go, to let her go. "Bo, we've talked about this…"

"No, you've talked about this," Bo told Lauren, her own frustration evident in the tone of her voice.

Lauren leaned her right hand onto Bo's mattress to gain any extra stability she could. "Bo, I've already told you. I don't want that life for you. I don't want you to have to watch me age and die. I don't want you to feel obligated to care for the old lady I'm going to be, while you're still young and full of life. You need to find someone you can make a life with, someone fae."

"What about what I want Lauren? You've made it abundantly clear what you want—or don't want—for me, but what about what I want?" Bo's words were fiery, her voice loud, and Lauren didn't want to start a heated argument that all of their friends, elsewhere in the house, would hear. Bo leaned back into the pillows at the head of her bed, and when she spoke her voice was full of sadness. "You never bothered to ask me what I wanted, Lauren." Finally, the tears spilled over, and Bo wiped at them with the sleeves of her red silk robe.

Bo's words were an added twisting to her already broken heart. "Bo, I…" Lauren began, but the words died with her uncertainty of what to say next.

"Don't, Lauren," Bo pleaded through her tears. "Please don't make any more excuses. I just lost… I just lost my mom and Trick, and I…"

"Maybe I should go," Lauren said, hastily standing. She crouched down to put her shoes back on as quickly as she could.

"Lauren, wait!" Bo quickly leaned forward to where Lauren leaned near the end of the bed, her face hidden behind her golden locks as she looked at her shoes, avoiding Bo's gaze. "Lauren, I don't want you to leave," Bo pleaded.

Lauren finally looked up at Bo, moving hair from her face. She didn't need to hide behind her hair; her internal walls were falling into place, ready to block out—or keep in—the pain Bo's words stirred up. "Then what do you want, Bo? You think I'm not listening? I'm listening now." Lauren leaned her right hand against the silk-wrapped bedpost and stood up straight, fortifying her inner strength against the onslaught of Bo's feelings, the wants that Lauren had to to be able to think past for the good of everyone, for the good of their fight against Bo's father.

"You," Bo said, simply. "I just want you."

"Bo, we can't…"

"Stop, Lauren. Stop making excuses!"

"What do you want me to say?" Lauren yelled back. She didn't often raise her voice to Bo, to anyone, and by the look on her face, Bo was surprised by the anger behind Lauren's words. Maybe their story--Bo's story--was approaching its frenzied climax. "Do you want me to tell you that I love you? Because I do, Bo. I love you…" Lauren's voice cracked, and she desperately tried to keep a sob from escaping, "so much, Bo. I love you so much, and you deserve so much more than I can give you." Lauren wiped the tears from her face and turned to collect her books. "I need to… I need to go, Bo."

"Wait! Where are you going?" Bo was poised to leap from the bed and chase after Lauren if she had to.

Before she picked up her books, Lauren threw her hands into the air.. "I don't know. Home, I guess."

"Home? Lauren, you can't! It's not safe!"

Lauren knew it wasn't a good idea to be on her own, isolated from all of their friends, but the clubhouse was closing in on her. The room felt hot and the outer walls seemed to be too near. Lauren could feel her stomach churning and her heart starting to race, neither of which were positive in the doctor's mind. At least if Lauren could get outside, get some fresh air, she might be able to breath more easily. If she could get home, she could feel the safety of her own space, her own things. She could wrap herself in a throw and let the tears prickling her eyes fall, safely away from the curious eyes of their friends, witnesses to the unfolding plot lines of "Will Bo and Lauren ever get--and stay--back together?"

Leaving, though, was a liability. In all reality, the moment she stepped outside of the clubhouse, she was fair game for Bo's father to snatch. Bo's father knew that Lauren was Bo's weakness, and having Lauren would be hefty leverage against the succubus and her friends.

In a move uncharacteristic of the doctor, Lauren's pushed the ancient books to the floor as her frustration boiled over. "I know I can't go. I know I can't leave, okay? I know it's not safe to leave, but Bo, it's not safe for me to stay, either. There's no place for me to go and be alone, to be away from everyone."

"Everyone? Or me."

Lauren sighed. "This isn't easy for me, either, Bo. It isn't."

Lauren watched Bo rise from the bed, and in her haste to move toward Lauren, her silk robe fell open, revealing Bo's tank and pajama bottoms. Lauren's eyes dipped to Bo's curves, and she internally cursed herself and the way Bo's body always drew her in. She looked at the books on the floor, those stories, like hers and Bo's, a mess of her own making. When Lauren wrapped her arms around her middle, Bo promptly stopped her progress toward Lauren, Lauren's move to physically close herself off not lost on Bo. "Please, Lauren," Bo plead, motioning with her arms in the air, "please don't make this harder. This doesn't have to be complicated. Please don't leave. Please, just.. let's just talk."

"So, talk."

"I know things are crazy right now," Bo reasoned, "so we don't have to redefine anything right now, okay? We don't have to be anything more than this, than two people who love each other."

Lauren rolled her eyes and looked to the ceiling as she let out a mirthless laugh."We can't rewrite our history, Bo…"

"Right now, we don't have to, okay?" Bo moved a little closer to Lauren, close enough she could reach out and touch Lauren, who tightened her grip around herself, her exterior protecting the precious heart in her chest. "Please, can I…" Bo began softly, moving slowly toward her former lover, "please just let me hold you, Lauren. I know you're hurting. We're both hurting. Please, can I just hold you?"

The uncertainty in Bo's voice made the ache in Lauren's chest hurt even more, to the point she choked out a sob accompanying more tears. Lauren's tale was that of the martyr, giving up her own wants so that her lover could have the life they should have had together, but for Lauren, the story was more complex than that, a pivotal truth she kept from Bo, now working its way free from the pages of Lauren's mind. "I don't want to lose you, Bo. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose you to whatever is coming," Lauren confessed, her left hand leaving her middle to tuck a stray lock of hair behind one of Bo's ears. "We don't know what's coming, and I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you."

Before Lauren's hand could fall away from the side of Bo's face, Bo took Lauren's hand in hers, their fingers stitching together. They were bound to one another, and Lauren gave in, moving into the succubus's arms. Their arms wound around each other, noses buried in hair, both women in tears.

"We're going to beat this. We're going to beat my father," Bo tried to reassure Lauren. She ran her hand down Lauren's hair and spine to comfort the doctor. The two women stood there, pressed between the pages of time, the rest of the world happening around them, though they couldn't hear the laughter of their friends downstairs, the opening and closing of doors above them. "Lauren," Bo began after some time, "will you stay? Will you please stay?"

Lauren's internal dialogue could have gone back and forth, debated and countered the merits of an argument against it, but Lauren no longer wanted to listen to that rhetoric. "Yes, Bo," Lauren whispered. Her head was emptying itself of words, and though her body was filled with fatigue, the coupling of the empty ache in Lauren's chest and the sweet scent of Bo's shampoo made Lauren wonder how much of their story was, as yet, still unwritten. Lauren squeezed Bo tighter, taking in a deep breath, indulging in the intoxicating scent of everything Bo.

Lauren felt Bo shift slightly, and then Bo pulled back, looking into Lauren's eyes. Lauren had spent many hours losing herself in the chocolate eyes of her former lover, and in that moment, she felt a familiar pull in her chest. Bo's arms released Lauren, and Lauren immediately felt cold, like a wind swept around her. As she began to mourn the loss of Bo's body against her own, Bo's hands moved to cup Lauren's face, her soft skin warm on Lauren's tear-stained cheeks. Bo swept away an errant tear with her thumb, and the caress of Bo's skin on her cheekbone drew a bit of a swoon from within the doctor. "Bo, what are you doing?" Lauren asked softly.

"I don't know yet," Bo confessed. "Just let me."


End file.
